Day 35 – Calm After The Storm

I’m feeling so much better today.  Focused.  I’m tired, not enough sleep this weekend, but I’m doing alright.

I am getting my energy realigned, taking deep breaths, trying not to think of Carson constantly, failing at times, but knowing that this will subside with time, if he’ll let me get away with having time to allow it to subside.

I came to a conclusion today while at work, that perhaps being a branch manager is in alignment with my goals after all.  Perhaps having four weeks of vacation time, and being able to set my own hours will allow me to have the much needed control that I require.  I think I would be a great branch manager.  Now I need to perform at a higher level in order to achieve my goals, and get the attention I need.

As for men….an interesting new insight.  I feel sorry for the men in our lives.  I am sad that men are held to such a high standard in our eyes.  Not only do they have to keep us feeling safe and secure, taking care to ensure our safety and security, but we require them to be our best friends, our confidantes, our best boyfriends, our best “girl” friends, our soul mates, love to do our hobbies with us, enjoy the movies we like, do the dishes, desire to take care of the kids, mow the lawn, take care of the cars, rub our feet, hold us when we cry, be sensitive to our needs, be romantic, be amazing lovers, yet understand us when we don’t want to be touched, , the list is endless!  I’m not sure how men can possibly get it right.

I go back, now to a belief I had years ago, that I had abandoned for some reason.  Men are simple creatures.  Men are very much like dogs (I don’t mean this in a derogatory way).  They are strong, loyal, love their tummies and head rubbed.  Love it when their bitch is in heat, will sit and love you unconditionally, get confused by yelling, chase when a bone is thrown, cower when you raise your hand, and come back for more.  Our men love us.  They are devoted to us.  they would run through machine gun fire to warm us.  But, we are mysteries to them.  And over the years…I fear they have become more complicated.  As we become more choosy about picking that “best friend” and making them jump through all of our miserable hoops, they have become angry, hostile, confused, “playas,” and treat us like “ho’s,”  and somehow…we have let them.  And in our effort to keep their attention we take up pole dancing, get surgically enhanced, act like prostitutes in the bedroom, become cougars, MILF’s and shallow.  Bitchy overtakes compassion, and a serious first date resume question emerges…”do you shave?”  “How do you feel about oral, anal, or threesomes?”  How has this become normal in courtship?

My generation is confused, and I am sad.  I simply want a man who knows how to be one.  A good, solid, compassionate, loving, man.  Who doesn’t need me to be his everything, and who is ok with my having friends and a life so that he is not required to be my “everything.”  I want to love deeply, be devoted, and know that I come first…period…but, I don’t have the least insecurity with my man choosing to spend an evening golfing or playing poker, so long as he crawls into bed with me.  I love my ideal.  I want the fantasy.  I worry a little bit about my worthiness for that, especially after considering how I lack commitment to finish this six months.  This was a commitment to myself.  Not to another man, and I let down my walls when it wasn’t convenient.

Life comes at you fast.  I feel the burning to create and explore again.  I want to calm myself and get back into alignment with my intended purpose.  The importance of this goal isn’t less necessary.  If anything, it is more so than ever.

Sleep well, my friends.

Maggie